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Urban Myths and Legends
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of
free M&M's, (sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail
to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year
2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend
whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from
having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried
Chicken which is predictable, since as everyone knows,
there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken,
which is why the government made them change their name
to KFC. Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he
awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he
was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized
that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his
mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his
phone because it was connected to his computer, and there
was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard
drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew
it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer
programmer who was working on software to prevent a
global disaster in which all the computers get together
and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe
under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it
all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who
was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and
5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to
report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first
asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit
full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then
reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an
HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a
note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he
was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where
that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose
last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-
mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay
him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two
e-mails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the
shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more
than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people
you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than
10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the
hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving
without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights
at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail
and you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the
owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his
Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will
get ill from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo,
or develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant
which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government
will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all
true 'cause I read it on the Internet!!!!
-Brought to you by CollegeHumor.com
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