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Quick Wits

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

This woman at a party walked up to this man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink," and the man says, "If you were my wife I would drink it."

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

"Marriage is neither heaven nor hell; it is simply purgatory." -Abraham Lincoln

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. –-Jackie Mason

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice night", said the officer.

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect." - Benny Hill

Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living hell. – Roseanne Barr

Please Don't be offended..... I know I haven't known you very long, and I shouldn't be

asking you but I really need it badly. I haven't' had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good hard and coming out nice and soft. if you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now, that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until

it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.......

Do you have a piece of gum?

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck."

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

"Sex -- The poor man's polo." - Clifford Odets

I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that. - Lauren Bacall

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When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." This woman at a party walked up to this man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink," and the man says, "If you were my wife I would drink it." So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off! "Marriage is neither heaven nor hell; it is simply purgatory." -Abraham Lincoln I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. –-Jackie Mason A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice night", said the officer. "Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect." - Benny Hill Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living hell. – Roseanne Barr Please Don't be offended..... I know I haven't known you very long, and I shouldn't be asking you but I really need it badly. I haven't' had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good hard and coming out nice and soft. if you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now, that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so....... Do you have a piece of gum? Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck." A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale." "Sex -- The poor man's polo." - Clifford Odets I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that. - Lauren Bacall Contact Me · Your Feedback · Downloads · Reviews · Power of the Pen · Chat Room · Wall Of Friends · Tabs · Links · Members Only · banners · Speak Out · JACKASS · Lost Legends